Friday, 24 June 2016

Secrets and Guilt

I've got a little secret. It's not revolutionary or juicy or anything. But it surprised me.

When Allie had her most recent bought of coughing and I had to leave her and not ride for a few weeks I was disappointed, yes, but mostly I was relieved. I had been scrambling to get her worked for so long and my stress levels were starting to reach threshold, with interstate and overseas trips and final exams coming up. Dropping the stress of trying to get her worked most days (and trying to get her fit enough to compete) when I was battling time constraints and the weather really took the pressure off and suddenly I could handle everything else just fine. When I scratched from Mudgee I was disappointed but again, incredibly relieved.

I have always been a super busy person. If there is a spare gap in my life I always fill it with some sort of commitment. At the moment I work in an office two days a week, trim another couple of days a week, I have 10-12 hours of uni each week (but am on holidays at the moment, yay!), I'm selling hoof boots, and of course, trying to be a good mum to Evie, playing with her, teaching her things, trying not to drag her around in the car too much (always too much). Plus, I should be riding and having lessons and working on my riding. But I'm not.

Allie seems to be better at the moment and I have had a couple of rides on her lately where she has been a dream to ride and only coughed a little once or twice, but I haven't put her back in work yet. What if she starts coughing again? What if she doesn't cope with the work? What if I get all stressed out again and don't enjoy riding her (that never happens, I always enjoy the actual riding part, just not the stress of finding the time). Also, we have had flooding from extensive rain in our area and the footing is rubbish at the moment so we are waiting for that to dry out. So she hasn't had much work at all.

This is a bit of a pointless post really. I have put Evie into day care for a second day each week so I can trim/ride/lesson/study on Mondays without having to try to drag her along (also, she wasn't dealing well at day care only going one day a week and needed more consistency there. It's worked a charm - no day care drop off tears this week!!). But, of course, I'm feeling guilty about that too.

I did the yearly budget recently and nearly died when I saw that Allie is the second biggest cost after our mortgage. Just normal agistment, feed, basic regular vet/dental, a few shows and memberships cost us over $11,000 a year.

Holy crap. And, again, guilt guilt guilt. Look at how much money we would save if I didn't have a horse! What an amazing family holiday we could take each year. Or shorten the length of our mortgage significantly. And Andrew doesn't spend that much on his race car (unless he breaks something). Plus he doesn't get a day off each week to have a car day, but I can.

Today, I'm not trimming and it's not raining so normally  I would try to go do something with Allie but Evie has a cold an is a bit miserable so it will just be a quick visit to feed ad maybe trot Allie around the property out the car window while Evie naps in her car seat,

How do you guys balance out your lives? I wish I had the horses at home again, it would make it so much easier to do what I need to do.


TeresaA said...

Guilt is not a useful emotion- so there's always lots of it around.

Horses cost money- there's no doubt about that. But I need horses in my life and would be miserable without them so it's a cost we're willing to bear.

I also tend to fill up my spare moments of the day but am getting better about it. :) (I hope).

Feeling relieved makes total sense to me. Allie doesn't care if she shows or not so she's probably happy.
A good daycare is great for children- it helps them to learn -socially, emotionally and language. You are doing a good thing for her.

emma said...

yea i know what you mean... i've been feeling some similar swings of relief and stress between getting things done with the horse, and just throwing my hands up and saying 'eh not today!' it's just.... idk. it's a tough balance.

L.Williams said...

Like Teresa said, its hard not to feel guilty but feeling guilty doesn't change anything it just makes you feel worse.

The last couple years I've been filling every moment of my day too, but this last year one of my goals was to stop doing that because I felt really stressed out all the time. It's hard balancing everything in life.