It's Hard

It's hard to wait for something that you know might not happen.

But it's even harder to give up when you know it is everything you want.

Oh, So You Thought You Were Healing?

Guess what I am doing right now? I'm waiting for the vet to call me while I watch Allie and missing work because she had a bleeding nose this morning. UGH.

After coming home she was actually doing quite well but this morning I came out to feed her before work and there was a trickle of blood coming from high up in her nostril. Obviously from the surgery site.

It seems to have stopped for now but FAR OUT I AM SO OVER THIS SHIT. Horse just heal already! I can't deal with much more. :(

Coming Home

Cross post from Facebook. Totally sums it up for me.

:(

The hole won't close. The tooth is front is dying.

She goes in for another surgery on Tuesday.

I'm devastated all over again.

Still Not There

It is Wednesday morning. Allie is still in the hospital and will have at least 2 more days in there. They ended up putting more pack in while she was under standing sedation as when they were flushing yesterday there was no pus but there was still some freshly masticated hay and feed getting through to the sinus. Today, there was no food in the sinus but there was a small amount of green fluid that had squeezed through, which ran clear very quickly.

Christine says the new pack is not doing as well as she had hoped but better than she had feared. We are at the point where we need to just buy a little time to see if this will settle down before making a decision to go back to surgery in the next week to close everything up. Obviously surgery is something we don't want to have to do monetary for me or physically for her, but we need to do what we need to do.

Apparently she is very happy. She is behaving beautifully, they don't even need to sedate her for flushing, she just stands there!! They are poking the tube through the small hole they cut in her face to flush so it is not like she is having a grand old holiday at the vets but I am so so glad that she is eating and behaving and just being the pleasure that she truly is.

Love love love that horse.

Do I title ths one 'Poor Allie"? Because that is all I can thnk right now...

Gosh, where do I start.


Over the last few days, Allie's lump hasn't gone away but her nasal discharge has increrased and so has the bad smell. This morning I hauled her over to the vets for Christine to check her.

Never ending vet visits wear us out.

First up was a radiograph. The teeth don't look good. Both the tooth behind and the tooth in front look unusual. We still don't know if they will die and need to be removed or if they will live and be fine.Time will only tell. Basically, if they do have to come out,  the two teeth plus the tumour leaves a big gap to try to encourage to close. It would mean surgery, lots of flushing, $$$$$. We do not want to go down that path if we don't have to. It is quite serious (serious-er?) if she needs those teeth removed.

After the rads, she had a scan done over the area to see what was causing the lump. Infection, possibly from a small piece of bone that had lost blood supply and died we think, or maybe the teeth are the insidious cause of it all. She then had an oral exam which looked good, however Christine could feel that tooth in front has a small depression that may be a sign that the tooth may die.

After the oral exam, Christine ended up having to cut a small hole with a scalpel and then inserted one of her surgery tools to make the hole bigger inside to get through to the sinus. She then spent about 20 minutes pulling out some of the pack, some sinew, and quite a bit of old food material that is getting in there from the mouth. She went looking for the piece of bone but she doesn't think she got it.

After this, Christine flushed out the sinus/mouth with two bags of saline and then squirted aqueous penicillin in over the area. There was blood, stinky food and snot everywhere.

Poor Allie. She got pain relief and had been sedated but she was so damn good about the whole process. That experience must have been terrifying and even under sedation she did lift her head high a coupke of timez and looked very worried in her eye but she held it together. She is amazing. Just a superstar.

Christine wanted me to leave her there over the weekend so that they can flush her on Saturday and again on Sunday. Hit it hard. Hopefully by flushng and keeping it clean, the small hole that is allowing passage of food will be able to close over and her sinus can finally dry up and hopefully those teeth hang on and decide they aren't going to keel over and quit this life for good. So I left her at the clinic, because emotionally right now I am rubbish and I need to know that I have done everything possible to give this horse the best chance of recovery. What else can I do?

One of the other vets was discussing the case with me and she said that Allie is very very lucky to have me and Christine/Derek (the other surgeon). "Not many owners would do what you have done, and not many surgeons would have attempted that surgery at all" were her words. That really brought home the seriousness, the gravity of the situation for Allie. Emotionally, I am not good today. I have taken the day off work to just lay in bed and chill out. I have my first uni exam next week and I hve picked up a cold too. So today is for me I have decided.

This has been a depressing post. Sorry guys.

Ta daaa

Ta da is the opposite of how I feel however. Poor pony.

It's healing well. Hopefully she won't rub her face overnight and I'll find her in the same state tomorrow morning.

It doesn't look too bad. Not too assymetrical.

Visit

Visited her in hospital just now. She seemed OK. Very quiet but a little perky. Didn't want to finish her carrot, I think she got a bit in a sore spot and wasn't interested after.

Got to see what they pulled out. Are you ready? Scroll down the bottom (I think) to see.

Poor pony girl.

Post Op

So the surgery went as well as can be expected. Complicated by about 4 litres of blood loss, the visibility wasn't great. Christine is fairly confident they got most of it if not all. Some of it broke away easily, almost in their fingers. Much of it had to be chiseled away.

Her two teeth behind it are fine - good to stay. The tooth in front, however, is questionable. It was wrapped in the tumour and while chiseling they thought they would have to remove the tooth too but all of a sudden the tumour came away and left the tooth intact - however there is a massive hole there now so whether the tooth stays or goes only time will tell. The hope is packed with a dental Paco for now, while we wait for her to heal the hole with granulation tissue. There is an infection in that tooth too but hopefully that resolves.

Cosmetically, her facial ridge on that side is gone. It was riddled with the tumour. She will look like she whacked her face on a pole once it's all healed. I'm OK with that for now.

All up surgery took about 2.5 hours. The bleeding was the only complication however she didn't require a transfusion as her vitals were all fine especially her blood pressure.

In recovery she was impatient to stand and once up she was very unstable. She keeps rubbing the surgery site so they have had to wrap it. Her sinus is stuffed full of gauze to stop the bleeding. They don't think she likes the feeling and that's why she's rubbing.

Overnight she did well - vitals all good. She's not eating well of course. What else is new?

I'm seeing her this afternoon. Might be able to take her for a little walk if the vets say I can. If not, just a scratch and hugs for her.

Thurs or Fri her sinus packing comes out. Once out they will take more xrays to see what they have got and to have a benchmark to compare to.

As for me, I feel like I'm holding my breath. Hopefully the worst part is over. I'm always thinking of her. Hoping she isn't in too much pain. I know she is in the very best hands and I have placed my faith in the vets and in the powers that be to get us through. So far, so good.

Here We Go...

Just got a call from Christine the vet. It went a little something like this:

C: Hello Lisa. Nothings wrong. I'm just calling to let you know that we are starting her in a half an hour and also to check that you're all OK.
L: oh thank you. Yeah I'm OK surprisingly. How long do you think it will take?
C: oh, to be honest we have to see how we go when we get in there.
L: my husband had a dream last night that it took 6 hours.
C: oh god no! Gosh I hope not. Probably closer to two hours. If there is anything wrong I'll call you while she's on the table, if not I'll call you when she has woken up.
L: thanks so much. Good luck!
C: to you too Lisa. Speak to you soon.

Gosh. My horse is about to have her skull sawed open. God thankyou for giving me the gifts of strength and money to be able to help Allie. Please help her make it.

CT Images

Andrew finally got the program working so you can see the CT images (well, screenshots anyway).

Top view is her nose facing you. Bottom left is from underneath and bottom right is from her left side going toward the centre of her head.

Just another slightly different view.

You bet it's consuming my life right now. It's pretty friggen big. Surgery day tomorrow. Wish her luck and nil complications please.

Photographic Evidence

Wagga vets sent me an email with photos of Allie in the machine during her scan.

They are equal parts funny and sad. I'm a horrible horse mum.

Look at those perfect feetsies tho...

These ones are just sad.

I'm trying to get the CT images (whatever they are called) off the disk they gave me and into jpg files or something so I can upload them here.

Surgery Date

Spoke to Christine, my vet, today. To quote her "I think it is worth a shot, will be big endeavour but the only way forward".

Yep.

So we scheduled surgery for Easter Tuesday - 22nd April. She will be dropped off in the morning and will have the surgery done that day (or the following day if they have emergencies come in after the Easter long weekend). As stated previously, she will have a whopping great big hole cut out of the side of her face for access to the tumour. Apparently the tumour is more pushing out rather than up and in (which is a very good thing!) however one or two teeth may need to come out. Christine is not worried about the infraorbital nerve anymore - she doesn't think it will be a complication. We will have to wait until the surgery to see if the teeth can stay or not. She will need to stay at the hospital for the better part of a week, then home to be on box rest for a short time (poor Allie! MORE BOX REST) then out into a small yard for a time. Antibiotics, bute, ulcer guard etc etc for a little while. Keeping her nostril wiped out and clean and making sure she keeps as calm as possible will be the only aftercare I will need to worry about for a short time. Christine said she won't send her home with me until she is pretty low maintenance.

To get her to eat after she comes home from surgery I am to feed her whatever she likes - I predict that will be leafy green lucerne hay and chaff with Honey B. Worry about putting weight back on her when we can. I don't like feeding my horse junk food but you have to do what it takes in the end. I can get her back on track afterwards.

There will be LOTS of after-surgery follow up visits. We just don't know right now what will be involved until the surgery is done and dusted.

I can not wait until this whole thing is behind us and we are out of the woods and I can go back to worrying about normal things killing my horse like regular horse  people do.

CT Scan Day...

She only weighed 465kg. Not skinny, but needs some weight on for sure.

She had the scan today. I am exhausted and can barely function, so a cross post from Facebook will have to do for now.

Had the biggest day in a very long time today.

Allie went in for her CT scan - while the tumour is still a tumour, it seems to be out of the way of some very very important structures (mostly the infraorbital nerve). There may be a small infection in one tooth which means that the tooth may or may not need to come out.

I still need to talk to Christine, my vet in Sydney (CT scan was in Wagga) but I am hopeful that we are going to surgery with minimal complications.

Meanwhile I spent nearly ALL DAY trying not to burst into tears during two rather difficult chemistry lab pracs. I just.don't.get.it. The maths is really hard to wrap my head around!!

Poor pony mare. :(

The actual procedure went well - she was only out for 30 minutes, recovered well and quickly. The bandage is for her catheter that was removed.

Ticking Along

So we are more than half way through the 6 weeks of box rest.

Allie is only now starting to eat her feeds again. She is normally accompanied by a friend when she is in the box, so she is pretty happy with that.

I did a sneaky quick trot up yesterday. She looked almost 100% sound.

Linda pulled her mane for me the other day. That's about the most exciting thing that has happened.

All I want to do is get her back under saddle again. I miss riding her. I miss seeing her be happy in a paddock.

In other news, meet Prince, the project pony:

He's a bit under weight and hasn't been in work all year. He's a 9yo OTTB that can jump apparently. Nat and I are going to put 12 - 16 weeks into him and sell him on, mainly to get him in a good home rather than to make any money. Hoping to get him to a couple of dressage days and maybe a show jumping comp or two. He is going to move to Allie's agistment next week hopefully (if we can get our hands on him). So that's exciting! I hate the name Prince though. What should I change it to?

Frustrating Pony-Mare.

My horse has a problem.

While she is generally a pretty calm horse, I think she does actually suffer from anxiety otherwise known as 'being a worry wort'. Her anxiety levels stay fairly low in the grand scheme of things but she worries about tiny things - like weather changes or having to go in the stable at night because it is pissing down with rain or freezing cold, or even something as stupid as swapping to the other night yard when they stay out.

In their little herd of two, Allie is the watcher on the wall. Gracie lies out flat in the sun, Allie watches for danger. Gracie grazes to her heart's content - Allie stares off into the distance on surveillance. The sheep herd across the road are on the move? Allie is the first to charge over to the fence and watch them to make sure they don't somehow escape their paddock, cross the road, leap the high fence and get in with my horses. (On a side note, my horse is a moron. She is from Goulburn for christ sake and she is scared of sheep?!?!).

Exhibit A - worry-wort eye...

But she doesn't stall walk much, she doesn't whinny and cry out, she doesn't stand trembling when she is scared. She is an internaliser. When she is stressed, she gets tucked up, a little figity and most frustrating of all, she goes off her feed. Remember when Natalie took her away to camp and she didn't eat her hard feed ALL FRICKEN WEEK? How am I supposed to take her away to shows if she won't eat?

Even with good weight on she gets tucked up - this was because the neighbors had their motor bikes out.

Again with the herring gut...

The latest saga of refusing to eat is a result of being stabled since lunchtime Thursday, then being taken to the clinic, sedated and clipped on Friday. We were home by 10am however she did not eat her dinner from the night before and refused to be even slightly interested in the lunchtime feed I gave her. Or her dinner Friday night, or breakfast Saturday morning. Treats hand fed? She no want. Hay? Mostly eaten but not finished.

Cue fuming Lisa.

HORSE! You need to eat - you are already light on - I need to fatten you up so you look like a proper dressage horse! So you don't freeze in winter now you are clipped! How do I fatten you up if you won't eat your bloody grain feeds?! How do  you get the energy to be ridden if you won't eat?

In desperation (and because it was pissing down all day. again.) yesterday I went to the feed store and bought vitamin B12 to stab her with and Apetite to shove down her throat. I gave her 10ml B12 and 30ml Apetite at about 4pm I think.

A couple hours later she was definitely calmer in the stable - she wasn't hanging her head over the door watching for horse stealing bandits, or madly ripping at her hay like a kookaburra with a snake. She was chilling in the middle of her stall with a soft eye and one hind resting. Huh.

Dinner was served at about 9.30pm. Her (tiny) dinner last night was stripped down to the bare essentials - one scoop each of oaten and lucerne chaff and two metric cups of whole oats. That is it - no water, no supplements, no copra or hygain or weightlifter.

It took all night, but she ate it - every last bit.


NB. I realise that if this continues I should have her put on a course of ulcerguard or something. Could be ulcers but unlikely.

Oh Daylight Savings, NEVER LEAVE ME

I LOVE LOVE LOVE daylight savings. Ah sunlight, it has been such a long time!

We have done some time in the saddle this past week! Saturday we had an awesome schooling session, and then Monday my friend Casey came and took Allie and I up to Sun Valley reserve in Springwood for a ride.

Allie was a mole to get on the float. Honestly, she has been pretty good about floating but she had been in a mare mood the previous few days (just squirting urine while tied up and being a bit grumpy) but it took us an hour and a half to get her loaded up. She either would rush straight back out after walking in or she refused to walk in at all. She is so tall that she even started putting her head on the roof of the float instead of walking in!! She did end up hitting her head a few times but she didn't seem to care! I was so unimpressed with her. She did end up putting a small split in her poll but it's nothing to worry about. The poor delicate flower has been picky with her feed and not finishing it again since the whole float debacle. She even put up a fight going home, and took about 25 minutes to load. Casey said she was being a bit of a warmblood - not getting into a tizzy about the situation, but just being stubborn. >:(

The actual ride itself was awesome. It is mostly sandy or slightly rocky trail that winds through lovely bush with an awesome hill at the end that we had a big canter up! Allie did very well, was a little nappy but not too bad and she got along really well with Casey's horse Harry (a fit endurance arab who was very patient to be honest about babysitting Allie!). I did get off her to walk back down the hill after the big canter as it was pretty steep and she kept stopping because she was a bit worried about her balance. She was a little looky, mainly at holes or drops (I think she believes that I am going to bury her in any big hole in the ground we go near, she must have fallen in one as a foal!) but overall was very good under saddle. We were out for about 2 hours on the ride I think? She seemed a little pooped but as soon as she got her wind back she was happy to trot on again.


Then another schooling session on Tuesday where I mainly rode Gracie and Nat rode Allie because Gracie was in a mood. I was actually thinking twice about getting on her, she was so agitated from god-knows what, with a swishy tail, pawing the ground, snorting and twitching. She can be a bit of a little dragon to be honest, but once I was on she was happy to settle into the job. So I got to see Allie go over the trot poles and she looks so nice. She pauses almost like she is doing passage, most noticeably in her hocks. I must say, she is one nice horse to look at. Sorry to gush! Gracie did really well over the poles and is really starting to get it, she tries really hard and I love that about her. I'll have to move them soon to another spot, they will get bored with them there soon!

THEN today we did the Chain-o-Ponds loop around the block, walk trot and canter in about 50 minutes. Allie seemed to have gotten bit by the speedy-bug (probably caught from Harry!) and realised that cantering up hills is fun after all! She really enjoyed herself. Gracie was an absolute angel, was the absolute opposite of the mini-dragon that she had been the day before. Sweet, relaxed, happy to be tacked up. Stood still at the tie up, not once pawing the ground. I can't keep up with that horse's moods! I think she might be in season right now, we have noticed that she gets all sweet and easy when she is in season. Go figure.

Sorry, no pictures. My phone was too full and wouldn't let me take any but I promise now that I have deleted a bunch of songs I didn't want and have made room, I will take pictures next time.

That is us all up to date now I think.

*edited to add: Nat wanted me to add the below photo of Gracie after our ride. She was a bit pooped, she kept yawning. Cutie.

Harumph

I feel so frustrated at the entire 'fireworks=horses escaping' scenario. It is not fair that my poor brand new, in-work fit horse is now out of work due to injury because of somebody else's gross negligence, somebody else's total failure to consider their neighbors and at least tell me that they were going to have fireworks. Allie was fat, glossy, shiny, (almost) scar free, she was just learning how to balance at the canter with a rider aboard, she had a lovely topline, lovely neck, and was just a picture of health.
Now, she won't eat properly, has dropped weight, lost most of her topline (especially over her loins and her neck), and her coat is covered in scars from cuts during the whole fiasco. Her leg is wounded, bandaged all the time, and she is only just now starting to go back to what she was.

I have another week and a half of wrapping to get through, then a re-assessment to see if it can be left open yet. Then, two weeks at least just on the lunge, mainly at walk with a chambon on to encourage long low topline building, THEN I hope to have a sit on to start the fitness building again, which will take about 3-4 weeks to get her back to where she was fit enough to cope with the schooling she needs. That will take me to mid March probably. I was hoping to have my first lesson with my chosen dressage trainer right about now! I probably won't get to a lesson until end March, early April. That is if I can keep her fitness up after daylight savings finish. Hum hum hum. It just shits me. I have these dreams for this horse and I, and I want to get started dammit!!!

She is sound, and I could possibly start the lunge walking now I think, but she can be a bit of a handful on the lunge and I don't know if I want to risk her chucking a spaz and hurting herself before she is ready for it. What to do? I could ace her for the lunging maybe? I just get really upset looking at her wasted muscles and I don't even want to take any pictures of her at the moment because (to me) she looks so crap, while in my care. I feel like I have failed her. She used to be one of 55 horses where I got her from, and she looked AMAZING. Now she is one of 3, and my only horse, and just to look at her breaks my heart. :(

Poor Allie. Gracie on the other hand is thoroughly enjoying the holiday, and is quickly becoming a menace. She kicked me the other day!! I saw it coming and got out of the way quick enough that I only copped the very end of it in the chest and arm, but still! It wasn't directed at me, but at the other two horses and I was in the way. She KNOWS that it is NOT OK to act like that when there is a person there. She needs to be back in work. Her injuries are fine now, just a little bit of surface healing to go. So Miss Trouble, be warned!!

Hmph.