Completely Baby Related

If you're uninterested in baby stuff, skip this one. I won't blame you!

I'm 34 weeks, 2 days today. At 18 weeks, I had a scan and they noted that I had a low lying placenta (only 1cm away from my cervix) which, if it didn't move, would block the way for bub to come out and would be too dangerous for a vaginal birth. So, they booked me in for another scan at or around 34 weeks to check to see if the placenta moved up as the uterus grew bigger.

I had that scan last Tuesday and the good news was that my placenta is now 5cm away from my cervix! Plenty of room apparently. However, while I was having the yucky internal scan, the sonographer started using colour doppler to look at some blood vessels that were randomly near the cervix - only 1.5cm away. She hummed and hawed and tried to get a heartbeat from them (to see if they were my blood vessels going into placenta or if they were Bub's vessels going from the placenta to bub). Bub's head was RIGHT up against my cervix, and s/he is a super active kid so she spent about a half hour trying but not able to get a clear reading on any of the blood vessels because kiddo kept head-butting the area and ruining it.

She took out the probe and told me to relax a minute while she went and got a doctor as she wasn't sure what was going on with these random blood vessels.

A doctor returned with her and they did another internal, same as before, trying to get readings on the vessels, poking and prodding my lower abdomen to try to get the baby to move away from the cervix, to no avail. Stubborn kid.

They didn't really talk to me but I heard them discussing. I heard "I think they're maternal", "too close to cervix", "can't tell, maybe just placental lakes?", " many vessels"... Blah blah blah. They removed the prove again and the doctor (who seemed to be a bit of a newbie) told me that they aren't sure what the vessels are, nor who they belong to. She said another scan at 36 weeks was needed, and that if they couldn't tell what was going on then (again), that there was a possibility I would need an MRI to map the vessels! She also mentioned that if they are baby's vessels, that it would be too dangerous to allow a vaginal birth and that a cesarean may be a possibility.

I left, but they didn't give me the scan results (that I needed to take to the birth unit after the scan to book a cesarean if my placenta hadn't moved) so Andrew and I went home, a bit confused and disappointed that there seemed to be another complication.

Now, I know LOTS of people have cesareans. I know they save lives. But I was/am looking forward to labour and giving birth naturally to my child and experiencing that whole thing. I know, crazy talk. Also, I'M FUCKING TERRIFIED OF HAVING MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY WHILE AWAKE BUT TRAPPED ON A BED. Ahem.

So that night, I got all cranky and teary and sad about the birth I felt I was loosing, and being scared of surgery, and upset about the long drawn out recovery, AND also the even longer wait to get back in the saddle. Andrew copped my random abuse about silly things and then just held me and talked me through everything. He is an absolute gem, that man.

The next day, the birth unit called me. She said that she saw in the book that they were expecting me yesterday (I didn't have an appointment though) and that they hadn't seen me. I jumped in, explaining the weird scan and how they hadn't given me any results and how I am going back at 36 weeks. She then surprised me when said that she had my results with her (ultrasound, midwife program and birth unit are all at the same hospital), and that she had just spoken to the team of doctors on my case (eh? I've only been seeing midwives as it's been a low risk pregnancy), and that the doctors want to meet with me as soon as possible. She asked me to call their office as soon as I got off the phone and to book in to see Dr Rizvi (I think she's the head doctor?) as soon as they could book me in after she got back from annual leave. I was a bit shocked - why would they want to see me before my next scan? Anyway, I am booked in to see her on Tuesday next week, which was the earliest available apparently.

So that whole "meeting with the doctors" thing got me panicking a little bit. So I googled "blood vessels close to cervix pregnancy" and whoah boy why did I do that?!?

I couldn't find anything on maternal vessels near the cervix, but there is plenty of scary fucking shit on fetal blood vessels near the cervix. It's called Vasa Previa (meaning vessels in the way of the baby) and if that is what I have got, it seems that if my membranes break, the blood vessels are extremely prone to breaking and baby can bleed out and die within 4-5 minutes. It's rare, one stat I saw was something like 1:3000 pregnancies. It's not often diagnosed before labour, and fetal death rates when not diagnosed pre-labour are something like 98%. The only safe option is early cesarean before the mother has a chance to go into labour. Risk factors include low lying placenta. So yeah. Ugh.

But most sources said (I used my uni's account with Google Scholar to read studies on the condition, more reliable, scientific, not as emotive language, less scary research tbh) that when diagnosed at antenatal scans, that survival rates are over 97%. Also, most mothers diagnosed with this are hospitalised as soon as possible.

So what is it I have? Do I have a serious fatal condition and if I go into labour my baby will die and I should be hospitalised now? Or do they really not know what this is and there's little risk at this point and I can just keep doing my thing and attending scans and appointments etc? I keep lying awake at night stressing about it and trying not to google more. I have given up any hope of a vaginal birth and have stopped being so terrified of a cesarean because the alternative is unthinkable. I'm super worried and scared and just needed to write this all out here. I know it's not horse related, but this is the only blog I have for now.

So yeah. That's where we are at at the moment. I've probably (hopefully) way overreacted but this is what I do when medical people don't give me answers. I go looking myself.

I don't know how to end this entry now. Hrm.

FIN.

Ticking Along

So we are more than half way through the 6 weeks of box rest.

Allie is only now starting to eat her feeds again. She is normally accompanied by a friend when she is in the box, so she is pretty happy with that.

I did a sneaky quick trot up yesterday. She looked almost 100% sound.

Linda pulled her mane for me the other day. That's about the most exciting thing that has happened.

All I want to do is get her back under saddle again. I miss riding her. I miss seeing her be happy in a paddock.

In other news, meet Prince, the project pony:

He's a bit under weight and hasn't been in work all year. He's a 9yo OTTB that can jump apparently. Nat and I are going to put 12 - 16 weeks into him and sell him on, mainly to get him in a good home rather than to make any money. Hoping to get him to a couple of dressage days and maybe a show jumping comp or two. He is going to move to Allie's agistment next week hopefully (if we can get our hands on him). So that's exciting! I hate the name Prince though. What should I change it to?

Frustrating Pony-Mare.

My horse has a problem.

While she is generally a pretty calm horse, I think she does actually suffer from anxiety otherwise known as 'being a worry wort'. Her anxiety levels stay fairly low in the grand scheme of things but she worries about tiny things - like weather changes or having to go in the stable at night because it is pissing down with rain or freezing cold, or even something as stupid as swapping to the other night yard when they stay out.

In their little herd of two, Allie is the watcher on the wall. Gracie lies out flat in the sun, Allie watches for danger. Gracie grazes to her heart's content - Allie stares off into the distance on surveillance. The sheep herd across the road are on the move? Allie is the first to charge over to the fence and watch them to make sure they don't somehow escape their paddock, cross the road, leap the high fence and get in with my horses. (On a side note, my horse is a moron. She is from Goulburn for christ sake and she is scared of sheep?!?!).

Exhibit A - worry-wort eye...

But she doesn't stall walk much, she doesn't whinny and cry out, she doesn't stand trembling when she is scared. She is an internaliser. When she is stressed, she gets tucked up, a little figity and most frustrating of all, she goes off her feed. Remember when Natalie took her away to camp and she didn't eat her hard feed ALL FRICKEN WEEK? How am I supposed to take her away to shows if she won't eat?

Even with good weight on she gets tucked up - this was because the neighbors had their motor bikes out.

Again with the herring gut...

The latest saga of refusing to eat is a result of being stabled since lunchtime Thursday, then being taken to the clinic, sedated and clipped on Friday. We were home by 10am however she did not eat her dinner from the night before and refused to be even slightly interested in the lunchtime feed I gave her. Or her dinner Friday night, or breakfast Saturday morning. Treats hand fed? She no want. Hay? Mostly eaten but not finished.

Cue fuming Lisa.

HORSE! You need to eat - you are already light on - I need to fatten you up so you look like a proper dressage horse! So you don't freeze in winter now you are clipped! How do I fatten you up if you won't eat your bloody grain feeds?! How do  you get the energy to be ridden if you won't eat?

In desperation (and because it was pissing down all day. again.) yesterday I went to the feed store and bought vitamin B12 to stab her with and Apetite to shove down her throat. I gave her 10ml B12 and 30ml Apetite at about 4pm I think.

A couple hours later she was definitely calmer in the stable - she wasn't hanging her head over the door watching for horse stealing bandits, or madly ripping at her hay like a kookaburra with a snake. She was chilling in the middle of her stall with a soft eye and one hind resting. Huh.

Dinner was served at about 9.30pm. Her (tiny) dinner last night was stripped down to the bare essentials - one scoop each of oaten and lucerne chaff and two metric cups of whole oats. That is it - no water, no supplements, no copra or hygain or weightlifter.

It took all night, but she ate it - every last bit.


NB. I realise that if this continues I should have her put on a course of ulcerguard or something. Could be ulcers but unlikely.

The Plan

Above is our plan for New Years Eve tonight. Specifically, avoiding what happened last year.

This year, the girls will be locked up in their stables (where they have spent the night for the last week), sedated, and out of sight of the fireworks thanks to our nifty blue tarps. They will also have some loud music playing from the radio to help drown out the noise.

We can not go through what we went through last year ever again. This will be my NYE every year for the rest of my life. Overkill? Maybe. But it is not worth the risk. Not one bit.

The neighbours had a couple of fireworks last night (maybe 3?) but they were over very quickly. The girls were already stabled away and they were fine. But that loud booming noise - it makes Nat and I feel like throwing up everywhere. I got physically sick and felt exactly like I did last year when we heard them last night.

Last year when we drove in the driveway and saw the fences down, was the absolute worst moment of my entire life up until that point. Then it just got worse and worse as the night drew on. We stumbled through the spider riddled bush looking for any sign of them. Calling, screaming, hearing hooves and soft neighs in our heads but thinking it was real. I even remember thinking "even if we find them dead, at least I know where they are".

When there was a car accident around the corner from my house about a half hour after we got home that night and I thought the horses caused it - cop cars everywhere and the cop I spoke to couldn't tell me what was going on. I swore I heard screaming horses and I envisioned my girls trapped between a car and a tree. It was really just the cop car radios distorting voices but it was all I could do to stop myself from pushing past them and running to see.

Hours of trudging through the bush, calling to them, praying to God, bargaining to just help us find them. Many many friends coming to help us look, some with their horses, some people I had never even met before, in over 40 degree (104 Fahrenheit) heat, all helping to find our mares.

And then the relief, when I thought all was lost, the relief when Andrew called me in hysterics telling me he had found them and they were safe (albeit cut up, thirsty and hungry).

Never ever ever ever again.

Nothing to report... Again.

Rain, rain and more rain has been the agenda of the week. We rode on Monday after work in the dark and it was nice to be back on my horse agin after the finger injury. Allie has been very fussy in the mouth, so I think a dentist visit is due.

This Friday I am taking both girls to another hoof clinic. I'm trimming Gracie there but I want her to just behave so I am bringing Allie along to keep her sane. I know, that's cheating, but the whole point of the day is for me to trim, and to be safe doing so. So ner.

In all this rain we have been stabling them at night if it storms and my horse will just NOT eat her dinner. She eats all her hay, and now that their feed buckets are wall mounted she doesn't poo in it anymore but she just doesn't eat it. She is too busy hanging her head over the stable door looking into the black nothingness that is my backyard. She will eat it in the morning once she is turned out no problems. :<

Chakra is good. We told the vet that we won't be treating the cancer and just keeping a close eye on her. Right now, she is healthy and happy. I'm ok too. I feel at peace with my decision and I know that it is the right one for us. Keep sending happy puppy thoughts our way though please!

Like I said, not much to report.

Harumph

I feel so frustrated at the entire 'fireworks=horses escaping' scenario. It is not fair that my poor brand new, in-work fit horse is now out of work due to injury because of somebody else's gross negligence, somebody else's total failure to consider their neighbors and at least tell me that they were going to have fireworks. Allie was fat, glossy, shiny, (almost) scar free, she was just learning how to balance at the canter with a rider aboard, she had a lovely topline, lovely neck, and was just a picture of health.
Now, she won't eat properly, has dropped weight, lost most of her topline (especially over her loins and her neck), and her coat is covered in scars from cuts during the whole fiasco. Her leg is wounded, bandaged all the time, and she is only just now starting to go back to what she was.

I have another week and a half of wrapping to get through, then a re-assessment to see if it can be left open yet. Then, two weeks at least just on the lunge, mainly at walk with a chambon on to encourage long low topline building, THEN I hope to have a sit on to start the fitness building again, which will take about 3-4 weeks to get her back to where she was fit enough to cope with the schooling she needs. That will take me to mid March probably. I was hoping to have my first lesson with my chosen dressage trainer right about now! I probably won't get to a lesson until end March, early April. That is if I can keep her fitness up after daylight savings finish. Hum hum hum. It just shits me. I have these dreams for this horse and I, and I want to get started dammit!!!

She is sound, and I could possibly start the lunge walking now I think, but she can be a bit of a handful on the lunge and I don't know if I want to risk her chucking a spaz and hurting herself before she is ready for it. What to do? I could ace her for the lunging maybe? I just get really upset looking at her wasted muscles and I don't even want to take any pictures of her at the moment because (to me) she looks so crap, while in my care. I feel like I have failed her. She used to be one of 55 horses where I got her from, and she looked AMAZING. Now she is one of 3, and my only horse, and just to look at her breaks my heart. :(

Poor Allie. Gracie on the other hand is thoroughly enjoying the holiday, and is quickly becoming a menace. She kicked me the other day!! I saw it coming and got out of the way quick enough that I only copped the very end of it in the chest and arm, but still! It wasn't directed at me, but at the other two horses and I was in the way. She KNOWS that it is NOT OK to act like that when there is a person there. She needs to be back in work. Her injuries are fine now, just a little bit of surface healing to go. So Miss Trouble, be warned!!

Hmph.